Baby Fever!

Tonight as I write, there is rain pattering on the window outside, candlelight flickering on the walls and my husband in a deep sleep... But I can't get comfortable enough to fall asleep, so I got on our laptop and got on almost every woman's addiction, Pinterest! I usually look at the humor section first so that I can nudge Brandon if he's still awake and share some funnies with him. Then I move on to the women's apparel section & the beauty, drooling over clothes I will never be able to afford and hair styles I will never be able to pull off. Somehow though, I always wind up spending the majority of my time in the kids section, "ooing and awwing" over babies, therefore I believe it's safe to say that I now have what most call the "baby fever". Lately, my husband and I will be watching a show or a movie and there will be baby present, even if just for a brief second, I cannot get that baby's cuteness out of my head. I have begun to daydream of what our kids will look like, how they will act, if I will be a good mom? Questions and excitement overwhelm my mind. Heck even tonight we were at wal-mart and walked by the baby clothes section and I stopped to adore how cute and tiny the outfit was.

Before Brandon and I got married, we said that we wanted to wait at least 3-5 years before having kids. But now when we talk about it, although we still want to wait awhile, our timeline for children seems to get shorter and shorter. Don't worry friends, we are not rushing this decision by no means. I just want to express my excitement for being a mother in the future and having a wonderful husband to be by side for it. We will have children when God ordains it, whether that be within the next year, five years from now or not at all, we have to trust His timing even when the "baby fever" is running rampant through my blood right now. ;)

It will mean more than the world to me when Brandon & I have kids and he sticks around and is present as a Father in every way in their lives...because I grew up with many different men whom were cast as that role but were cut. I don't blame my mom by any means, she was protecting herself and I admire her courage for that. She is a good mother and I couldn't ask for a better person to have raised me; my mom did a damn good job for all she had to deal with along the way while raising us... Watching Brandon play and interact with my siblings (who range ages 3-21) he does a magnificent job especially with the younger ones, he sure knows how to show them love and have fun with them. While we were there over Christmas break, he played Nerf gun wars with Mark (3) and Leah (5) and I was so impressed how well he did with them! I believe my husband will be an exceptional and outstanding father when we get to that point.

Oh and one thing I also enjoy is thinking about names already! I have some beautiful ideas for names and my kids better love me for it. tehe. Welp, I am getting a little groggy so I am going to look at Pinterest some more and go to sleep. I'm sure Brandon is having some nightmare with the sound of keys clicking in it anyway... So dear friends, tell me... do you have the "baby fever"? ;)

mindless boredom

Do you ever have those days where nothing can satisfy your mind? I do quite a bit and I'm not sure why. While my husband and I are sitting down watching a movie at home, the movie can't quite keep my interest... It's not because the movie is boring but it's more like my mind can't rest; so I'll start playing on my phone, checking social networks every 5 minutes even though nothing's changed. Sometimes when I'm laying in bed, I can't even begin to rest because to my mind, sleep is boring so I want to get up and go do something at 11 o' clock at night but Brandon's is asleep to work the next day and I can't drive the manual truck. If it wasn't so cold outside, I would go on a walk but then again, I'm a 20 year old and I'd like to think attractive lady, so walking around late at night wouldn't be the brightest idea. So I do "THE LIST" as Sarah Jessica Parker would call it from I Don't Know How She Does It. Then I find myself distracted in conversations, a person will be talking to me and my mind will start thinking about a million different things as if the person's dialogue can't suffice the entertainment my mind desires. Praying is another thing that gets me... I'll be in the middle of a passionate plea when my mind starts planning out different scenarios of my life. Oh and the worst time that my mind just can't seem to be at rest is during sex... now don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing, I just can't seem to focus on the intimacy 100% and it's ridiculous... I can't ever seem to just BE!

So you as my fellow blogger, readers, friends, etc. Tell me what you think please! Do you have any solutions that can help my focus? Ease my mind to allow it to rest? Have you had these problems?

My Wedding

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Megan Fox's Hair

I've become more and more insecure about my body lately. My stomach isn't as flat as it used to be, my curves are getting curvier and my thighs are thickening. My husband and I have started working out every monday, wednesday, and friday, but lately my immunue system has been deafeated and my sickness leaves my body weak and feeling like I don't want to do anything extra. Thus, these curves, thighs and stomach aren't getting any smaller. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't think "danggg I look sexy" Rather, I think "ugh, what a mess". I've always been that way; never really thought much about my looks. I've never been the beautifl girl, always the pretty, eh average looking girl. In high school (not that it matters anymore) I wasn't popular, mostly the middle overlooked girl. And that's how I still feel. Maybe it's because I don't have the right clothes or I don't wear my make-up right (much less wear it at all because I was never taught how to apply it) or maybe I didn't keep my braces long enough to straighten out my teeth all the way, or I don't style my hair perfectly. These are all things I think when I look at myself in the mirror; all of my insecurites.

Yes, I know that I'm a creation of God and He made me perfectly, but why don't I feel that way? Why don't I feel beautiful? Even though I'm married and I have a man to love me no matter my condition... why do I still get insecure walking into to his workplace that's filled with beautiful women? What if one of them is just a little prettier than me? What if one of them catches his attention for just a second and his heart falters? I want to feel beautiful even when I'm sick, even when I take 2 hours to get ready, right when I wake up, after a workout or when I take my helmet off after riding the motorcycle. And just if you're wondering, when Megan Fox takes her helmet off in Transformers and her hair is completely perfect and not a strand is out of place... it's a lie!

A Refreshing Visit

This past weekend I went to see my mom and the kids. In order to do this though I had to give up seeing my husband for four days. He was unable to come with me because he couldn't stay for the length of time I desired. I have hardly been able to spend more than a week with my family since I started college three years ago and that's tough. I have been falling deeper and deeper into depression being away from them... A lot has happened with my family over the past three years. The kids have grown up so much. My little brother Mark (Stuffin) is three now, Leah is 5 and goes to school all day, she never wants to be held by me anymore like she used to. Bella is 7 and so smart, way ahead of her class, Jadyn is 9 and so naive yet precious. Nikki is in 6th grade, she is going to the same middle school I attended, boys are starting to notice her... I worry most about her because it's difficult going through a divorce- you seek to find security in something or someone. Please pray for her. Pray for all of them. Courtney is a freshman in high school and she has a good head on her! I just can't believe they are all growing up so fast.

So during the visit, I was able to spend time with all of them. Talk to them about school and things they are involved with. I wanted to approach them about the divorce and how they are dealing but it's so fresh, that I didn't want to pick at that scab. I know that when I was coping with my mom's other divorce I sure as heck didn't want to talk about. Nor did anyone really ask my about it anyway. I pray that God put someone in my sibling's lives to help them through a healthy healing process, a beautiful refinement. God is capable of making good out of this bad. It's hard to see in the times of trials but it's so true. It's devastating to me to see my mom in so much pain though, she's being made to look like the "bad guy" for initiating the divorce because she wanted out of an unhealthy marriage. She is not wrong, she did what she had to, what she believed was best. Although the kids and others may not see it that way now, hopefully they will understand in the future. Please pray for her.

Being away from my husband was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It was heart-wrenching actually. The further and further I drove away from Oklahoma city, the deeper I felt my heart sink into my stomach. The first night I was in Missouri, him and I skyped and I balled my eyes out; I couldn't believe I had left him for four days. Now don't get me wrong, I was extremely glad to be with my family but the fact that my other half was over 300 miles away made me sad. When I married Brandon, we united our lives together, two became one, etc. thus creating discomfort when apart from one another. The weekend went by pretty quickly and soon enough I was back in the arms of my husband, my love, my best friend. Returning home to him couldn't have been a more beautiful reuniting. I must say they were right when they said "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

Blazing Love

"Hang my locket around your neck, wear my ring on your finger. Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing- it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown love, torrents of rain can't put it out. Love can't be bought, love can't be sold- it's not to be found in the marketplace (Song of Solomon 8: 6-7 MSG)".


I have been married for about two and a half months now. It has been quite a journey so far just facing a lot of things. Health issues, financial issues, family issues, work issues. Just different issues. Although it has been wearing me out to go through these things, I will say the only way I am able to get through them all still sane is due to my husband's support; he has truly blessed me this first couple months of marriage.

Recently, the business I worked for closed, so I have been staying home and trying to find a way to stay productive during the day, sometimes it is quite difficult. I get up, clean the apartment, do whatever dishes we have, watch my show, do some homework, and then what? I don't know what to do with my time. I am looking into learning something new that will keep me busy and productive. I've looked into crocheting... that takes a lot of time and is something beneficial to learn. Or learn an insane amounts of recipies all at once. Or maybe I could get back into scrapbooking. Or I could even create new video games or zombie survival plans for people. Hmmm... if you have any creative ideas just throw them out there.

Overall I want to do something during the day that serves my husband so that when he comes home, he doesn't resent me because he has worked all day and all i've done is "nothing". I desire to be an excellent wife, not a shameful wife; a wife that my husband is proud of having. Our church recently discussed Proverbs 31; the wife of Noble character. She seems to have it all right. What I think I desire the most out of the passage of her is where it says "She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life... (Prov. 31:10-12 NIV)" The passage continues with all these honorable things that this woman does daily and how she spends her time so wisely. I hope to get to where she is someday soon. I desire to be a wife that fears the Lord and is full of His wisdom; I know that He can mold me into this... "Yet, O Lord, you are the Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand (Isaiah 64:8)".

No matter what, I want to make sure that nothing harms my marriage. That I do not become a wife that my husband doesn't want to be around, to where he feels he needs some other woman to listen to his feelings and be there for him. I do not want to be a cold and angry wife, to where my husband complains about me to his friends. I want my love for my husband to be so strong and beautiful, that even when I want to be angry at him for no reason, that I remember he is a gift from God and that I should be joyful and compassionate always toward him. "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal om your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned (Song of Songs 8:6-7 NIV)".

nostalgia is a reaccuring emotion

nostalgia.

• A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.



• a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends



• a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time

I am nostalgic.

I am so pumped about the future but i long for things in the past, events that have happenend.

Alot of amazing things have happenend in these past few months that I miss very much. I guess i'm kinda dwelling on the past as well. Some people say that's not good but others say it's good to hold those memories close. I am holding these memories very close to my heart.

"Cause I don’t ever want to slow this down. Everything I’ve ever wanted has been found. We could drive into the future with our memories, Holding on to how things used to be." -EleventySeven

I guess my point to my first blog is to get that out there because that's soemthing i've been struggling with lately but to also let you all know that you can be nostalgic about somethings just don't let it hinder what you do in the future. I hope that makes sense of some sort. : )